Having coached youth basketball for several decades and been a sports parent of twins, I know the breadth of emotions.
State Championship game, 2005.
Eastern Massachusetts Championship, 2006.
- "Why isn't my kid playing?"
- "Other kids make mistakes, too."
- "Oh God, please don't let her screw up."
- "Way to go!"
Sports parenting resembles the Kubler Ross stages of dying - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. We know what players don't want, backseat driving from parents.
How do we navigate the basketball journey? Coaching is a 'relationship profession' and despite our best intents, it won't be perfect. There are two kinds of coaches, those who've had occasional problems with parents...and liars.
1. "Accept the Prime Directive, Starfleet Order 1." In Star Trek, the "Prime Directive is a prohibition on interference with the other cultures and civilizations representatives of Starfleet encounter in their exploration of the universe." In sports parenting, advocacy rules. "The well-being of my child/our children comes before the welfare of other children and the good of the team." There are rare exceptions but it's a good rule of thumb. Love drives the conflicts.
This is a corollary of the "Endowment Effect." What is mine is better, more valuable.
2. "Never discuss why your child should play ahead of another parent's child." Playing time is the Holy Grail of advocacy. Although practice and all that entails should provide teamwork, teaching, and opportunity, parents, especially parents paying for participation, see and sometimes count the minutes. Parents are welcome at our practices and a few observed the end of practice, they don't see the breadth of effort, progress, and relative standing of individual players.
3. Be transparent. "These are your child's strengths, those are areas of need, and these approaches can help your child become a bigger contributor." As a grandfather, like Caesar's wife, I must be above reproach. Communications go through parents and parents are welcome at practice, pre- and post-game meetings.
4. Follow the Ken-L-Ration rule. Never praise another player to another child's parent. I've made this mistake and it never goes well. "My kid's better than your kid."
5. Practice the Dean Smith rule. The "star players" will get their due, attention in the electronic and the print media. Recognize the lesser-known teammates who contributed to victory.
6. Value everyone. Players and families sacrifice time and money to be part of the team. Appreciate them and thank them. Robert Townsend has a timeless, one sentence chapter in Up the Organization, "Thanks is the cheapest form of compensation."
7. Never make hard conversations solo flights. Assistants have a vital role in participating in hard conversations. When changing a player's role (e.g. moving them out of the starting lineup), engage assistants. Explain the reason for the change and that changes may or may not be temporary.
8. Share "report cards" with parents and players, using the sandwich technique. "Susie is a joy to have on the team, committed and a hard worker. She can improve her ball handling and decision-making to reduce turnovers. Her defensive progress is notable, especially in containing the ball." Sandwich "critical feedback" in between praise.
9. At the initial 'parent' meeting, explain our philosophies about sports, practice, playing time, and winning. Everyone likes to win, but equality of playing time will seldom foster that goal. And if you don't have a philosophy, you'll get exposed when parents ask. Crystallize our thoughts. Anticipating the questions makes us better.
"When you get that once in a lifetime kid, take care of her." - Herb Welling
10. Be an ally. Coaches and parents both want good things for players. But the coach's primary responsibility is the well-being of the team. I was fortunate to have the means to sponsor entry fees for preseason tournaments so parents knew that I was invested, too.
There's no magic formula for transforming championship performance, but I share a few quotes from The Playmaker's Advantage.
Enjoy the ride. Want it more. "Look over your shoulder."
Lagniappe. Zone action, "Kentucky"
Lagniappe 2. From Chris Oliver, Toss Out Layup Individual Drills
Lagniappe. 28 seconds of gold about coaching.