Coaches have a myriad of hard conversations.
- Cutting a player during tryouts.
- Reducing a player's role.
- Disciplining players.
- Parental conferences about opportunity, minutes, and role.
- Meetings with program directors about expectations and performance.
I won't pretend to have the best answers AND hard conversations are difficult for good reasons. It's normal to be defensive. And it's not always what we say but how we say it.
Few of us will have the iconic philosophy of a John Wooden, examined in this 1973 New York Times piece. Having great players helps, too. But hard conversions unfold in the shadow of our personal and professional ethos.
In The Power of Moments, the Heath brothers inform another technique. "At the seminary at Yeshiva University, student role-played difficult situations with actors, modeling the crises they might face as a rabbi dealing with congregants."
We shouldn't seek to "win" the hard conversations but to allow everyone to share their opinions and their feelings. Parents advocating for their progeny is as old as time itself.
Some coaches ARE bullies and their overbearing nature won't toughen the majority of athletes but harm their confidence and ego.
Get help. Enlist assistants to be part of the discussion. It's not for moral support but to avoid, "he said, he said" situations where the content of the meeting is misrepresented. Reporting controversy and disciplinary action to superiors makes sense as well.
Show empathy. "I know this is hard, especially after you've sacrificed and worked hard. These are specific areas to improve your game."
Listen. "I want to understand how you feel. Can you share your thoughts with me?" Remember the phrase, "seek understanding not validation."
Anticipate points of disagreement. Think back to Chuck Daly's '48' that all NBA players want 48 minutes, 48 shots, and 48 million. Most unhappiness stems from minutes, role, and recognition. Remember Erik Spoelstra's reality, "that every team has a pecking order." And the alphas are the alphas for reasons.
Do the right thing. Sometimes a decision can go either way. Other times there's only one decision. Donald Sterling got banned. Rosanne Barr got replaced and written out of the script. We'll never get 100 percent support. Control the controllable.
We've all had the hard conversations. It's worthwhile to remember the old saw that "it's not a matter of life and death; it's more important than that."
Summary:
- Get help.
- Show empathy.
- Listen.
- Anticipate points of disagreement.
- Do the right thing.
Lagniappe. Portland Iverson series.
Lagniappe 2. "Every day is player development day." The video discusses weight bearing, weight shifting, and how to create dribble separation.