Being a sports parent isn't easy and there's no "secret sauce" to it. Here are ten lessons that might reduce "hate and discontent."
1. "I get it." In Star Trek, the Prime Directive was non-interference with developing civilizations. Parents' Prime Directive is "the well-being of my child comes first." That includes the "Holy Triad" of minutes, role, and recognition.
Years ago, the Boston Herald Coach of the Decade got lambasted by parents because some felt that she didn't do enough to promote their child. Four state championships and regular articles about their program weren't enough. No coach is immune.
2. "The players make out the lineup." In 2004, we (parents) attended the AAU Nationals at Wake Forest in Winston-Salem, NC. Our twin daughters were in the bottom 25 percent of players. There's no shame in the truth, they were solid players playing amidst many excellent and some exceptional players. The best players played more. That's generally how it works.
3. Hard conversations always involve at least two adults. That doesn't eliminate the chance of "misinterpretation" of the conversation. For example, if a coach says "you need to increase your defensive effort" that doesn't mean, "Coach says 'I stink'."
4. An abundance of politics inhabits coaching. Strongly advise all coaches and sports parents to read Carl Pierson's "The Politics of Coaching."
5. Let parents and players know that you are a networking resource although that to maintain credibility, you will tell the truth about players. Nothing I ever told a coach ever earned them a scholarship. However, a letter I wrote to a Congresswoman helped a player get a nomination to a service academy.
6. I will never discuss a player on the team with the parent who wants to say, "Well, my daughter should be playing ahead of so-and-so." One of the reasons I had a total transparency policy was that if parents came to practice, they'd see who could play best and where their child fit in. As Erik Spoelstra said, "There is always a pecking order."
7. "I'm here to help." I held twice weekly offseason (late May through September) skill development sessions. Not many players attended, which is fine. The one who came the most benefited the most and she's still playing in the Atlantic-10 on scholarship.
8. It's about the experience. "Never be a child's last coach." I encouraged players to approach the transition to high school as an opportunity to compete for a chance to contribute. I didn't tell players who were less skilled that they had a chance to be an immediate contributor, just to keep working.
If you're unhappy with the experience, then diplomatically let the coach know the often legitimate reasons. Most coaches won't discuss strategy or the game results until there's a cooling off period. "Sleep on it."
9. Coaches have favorites. We like players who work hard, compete, follow directions (coachability), absorb the information, and function as good teammates. I've had excellent players who also excelled academically and academically exceptional students who struggled on the court. But they struggled because they put in the effort and didn't always get the results they wanted. I respect those kids a lot.
10.It's a calling. I was a volunteer who invested time, resources (entered teams into preseason tournaments, catered breakup dinners), and some networking (e.g. with area media) to serve the players. Coaches aren't seeking fame or fortune. Most want to help your children succeed and see them become more.
Lagniappe. Excellence.
