Thursday, October 17, 2019

It's Hard to Be a Sports Parent

A lifetime ago, parents of athletes were not "involved" unless they coached. We've reviewed how times and situations changed after Adam Walsh, prioritizing safety and supervision. 

Good people become frustrated. All parents know the disappointments about team selection, playing time, role, performance, injuries, and more. 


Emotional baggage. In Star Trek, the "Prime Directive" banned interference by the Federation in developing societies. In youth sports, the Prime Directive means parents placing DNA over team. Don Meyer said it another way:
When we consider the "why" the mystery vanishes. 

 Expenses. Costs keep rising...participation fees (AAU/league fees, gym time, referees, uniforms), YMCA or club memberships, personal training, and sport-specific private coaching. These multiply across sports, age groups, and with multiple children playing. 

This doesn't include other family expenses - automobile, gas, hotel, and meal expenses...or event admission fees...the joy of paying to watch your ten-year old play ball.

 Injuries. Injuries accrue despite strength training and conditioning. That taxes families with high-deductible insurances and copays for doctor visits, imaging (xrays, MRIs), emergency visits, surgery, and physical therapy.

Imbalance between expectation and reality. What is the size, athleticism, skill, and resilience of our athletes? When my daughters played at the 2004 basketball AAU Nationals at Wake Forest, they fit in the bottom quartile of players. They were excellent but not elite players. One Tennessee girls' team had half a dozen players over 6'1". When Geno Auriemma walked into Reynolds Gym, he wasn't looking at our twins. 

 Performance anxiety. Parents rejoice and suffer with the performance of our student-athletes. No matter how much we love our children, we don't always love their results on any given day. "What was that?" 

 Status anxiety. Discouragement beats, "the grass is always greener." Alain de Botton wrote the book "Status Anxiety" and "identifies five causes for status anxiety, mainly: lovelessness, snobbery, expectation, meritocracy and dependence."

 We want to be valued. We don't want others to devalue us. Society sets high expectations. We seek higher status. Yet, luck and randomness interfere with our plans. 

 Attribution bias. Wikipedia defines attribution bias, as "a cognitive bias that refers to the systematic errors made when people evaluate or try to find reasons for their own and others' behaviors." When our children don't play as much or as well as we would like, we blame fatigue, injury, teammates, officiating, weather, coaching, and other convenient forces conspiring against us. Many factors are actually at work, including luck. In his MasterClass, Sam Jackson asks, "why does she get all the jobs?" 

 We want the best for our children and for ourselves. We serve them and their teams best by supporting their efforts, cheering on their team and teammates. Our kids will thank us for it. 

 Lagniappe: "Discipline is more important than conviction." 
Lagniappe 2: Sounding 'sure' won't necessarily increase others' confidence in us. 


It's more than okay, it's wise to say, "I'm not sure." 
at