Our relationships, jobs, and even avocations engender situations where conflict arises. That means we have "difficult conversations". In Search Inside Yourself, Chade-Meng Tan discusses how to resolve them, if they merit addressing.
1. What is the purpose of the conversation?
2. What can we learn from the conversation?
3. How can we problem solve?
Imagine that you are a high school coach, a good communicator, who defines roles for players, realizing that roles can expand or diminish. You recognize that in the difficult conversation both parties bring established ideas.
A senior's parents wants to discuss their child's role. I call this the "Prime Directive" conversation, as parents support their child as core parenting. Tan explores the stressors underpinning the conversation, which often include IDENTITY and COMPETENCE. The parents advocate for their child, with concerns about both their child and their parenting (IDENTITY). They may project their emotions and feelings in a way that threatens your identity and questions your COMPETENCE.
The parent wants what is best for her child; the coach wants what is best for the team. Both parties are 'right'.
Tan suggests a "third story", the perspective that a disinterested party would render. You don't need a third party, just a willingness to see the story from multiple sides. You ask yourself "what happened", "what are the emotions involved", and "how can this be reconciled?"
We are going to face tough discussions. But we can prepare for them and develop more insight and tools to facilitate them.
Two BOBs for your trouble:
Hammer Time
