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Monday, November 25, 2024

Creative Tuesday - Humor in Uniform?

I coached girls. Girls hoop doesn't mean humorless dweebs. I can be.  

Sometimes it's the coaches, sometimes the players, sometimes outside help.

Once a ref warned the coach about crossing a line at the end of the bench. So he erected a 'wall' from the girls' gym bags. There'd be no Coaching Walk of Shame.


Another game against a bitter rival, their point guard dribbled down with a virtual Heisman Pose keeping defenders at bay. I yelled out "Heisman" and the ref told me, "sit down and shut up or you're gone." Word had it that he served on their community basketball board. And that he was her uncle. They lost despite their default offensive fouls. 

At a home game, the referees came up to me before the game asking about pay. I said that I don't know anything about paying officials. They proceeded to make every call against us. The opposing coach came over to me at halftime asking, "Did you steal something from those guys? They're killing you." That went well.

You remember the scene from Hoosiers when an intoxicated "Shooter" wanders onto the court to complain about officiating. Ever seen it in real life? I have. Not so funny in real life. 

I never cursed aloud. One practice 13 year-old "Susie" was making everything, not the norm. Then she's wide open and misses. She yells, "$hit" amidst the silence. Practice stops as everyone, players and coaches, breaks up. 

ChatGPT request line: 

When I joined a local recreational basketball league, I didn’t realize I’d accidentally signed up for what I can only describe as the NBA’s Witness Protection Program. These weren’t ordinary men reliving their high school glory days; they were giants with knees wrapped in so much tape they looked like walking piñatas. At my first practice, I was gently informed by a player named Doug—who smelled like Febreze and regret—that my primary role would be “distraction.”

“Think of yourself as a scarecrow,” Doug said. “But, you know, less scary.”

During the game, I tried to “set a pick,” a basketball term I’d only recently learned, but executed it more like a pickpocket, accidentally stealing the ball from my own teammate. The opposing team cheered. “Good hustle!” one of them yelled, as if I were their adorable nephew at a Thanksgiving scrimmage. I couldn’t decide if I was embarrassed or proud, but I did know this: my teammates all started asking if I’d remembered to bring snacks.

Lagniappe. Advantage drill from Coach Cal.  Lagniappe 2. Be on-time and on-target. 

Lagniappe 3. Volume 3 practice.  

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