Hard conversations in coaching are the sounds of inevitability. Do better through study, preparation, and attitude. Some of us feel a need to "win" every conversation or negotiation. That leaves negative residue and our conversation partner must therefore "lose."
Show empathy (work to understand how the other side feels) and seek perspective through more tools.
Alison Wood Brooks provides the acronym CALM, not without irony.
C - confirmation
A - admit uncertainty (can lower the temperature)
L - learning
M - making it human
The acronym itself embraces preparation and perspective.
Confirmation
This represents an effort to get on the same page. These are the facts as best as I can tell. Help me by sharing your understanding. Changes in a player's role or playing time often get seen as either threatening, punitive, or personal.
Admit Uncertainty
As coaches, we prioritize what is best for the team as our first objective. It's not always clear. The "good soldier" senior doesn't want to hear that the talented sophomore is 'stealing' their spotlight. We could say, "I know this is hard for you to hear, especially with how hard you've worked. Some changes are coming that affect you, and we'll see how that works out for the team."
These conversations should be well considered, always held with another adult present, and be private to limit potential for shame or embarrassment.
Learning
We can't know everything. We can work to understand whether other factors lurk in the background - injury, family, academics, bullying, or any of a hundred possibilities.
Behavior is data, not always explanation. Sometimes an explanation exists, but exploring for it makes everyone involved uncomfortable.
Make it Human
Coaches practice our art amidst complexity, with incomplete information, and can't separate feelings from the process. Emotion is often uncontrollable (e.g. sadness), but behavior is. We can be frustrated with another person, but we can't punch them in the face.
With younger players, often the fact-finding avenue has to run through the parents. Let them know that we are on their family's side and ask whether issues exist that we should know about. Nothing guarantees positive reception, but understanding can only arise through mutual participation.
I'd be kidding readers and myself if "perfect conversations" were my standard. Most parents are reluctant to say, "I hate you and your coaching." That doesn't make them wrong. Certain approaches don't work well for everyone. For example, an aggressive style may not work for a less forceful or physical child. Most parents appreciated a holistic approach. Not all.
Sources:
MasterClass, Chris DeVoss (author Never Split the Difference)
MasterClass, Alison Wood Brooks
Lagniappe. Here's an AI take on Voss's likely tack:
- Label the emotion before arguing the facts.
“It seems like you’re frustrated.” “It sounds like you feel you haven’t been given a fair chance.” Voss’s point is that naming emotion tends to reduce its intensity. In coaching, that matters before you explain playing time, role, effort, or behavior. -
Use calibrated questions.
Instead of “Why aren’t you communicating?” try: “What’s making it hard for you to communicate right now?” Or, “How do you think your current approach is affecting the team?” These invite reflection without surrendering standards. -
Get to “that’s right,” not “you’re right.”
“You’re right” can be a conversation-ending concession. “That’s right” means the player feels accurately understood. Summarize her position so well that she recognizes herself in it before you move to your point. -
Use an accusation audit.
Say the negative interpretation out loud before the athlete does: “You may think I’ve already made up my mind,” or, “This may feel like I’m singling you out.” That takes some of the sting out of the objection and shows you are not avoiding the uncomfortable part. -
Don’t confuse empathy with agreement.
This may be the most important coaching lesson from Voss. Tactical empathy means understanding the player’s perspective, not endorsing it. You can say, “I understand why you’re disappointed,” and still say, “Your role is not changing right now.”
For a coaching blog, I’d probably distill the whole thing to:
Hear first. Label the emotion. Ask better questions. State the standard. Leave dignity intact.
