Basketball: Avoiding Shame

Coaching is about relationships. That requires all parties to be vulnerable, to open up and accept imperfection. It means accepting shame, the fear of disconnection. "What if I'm not good enough?"

Coaches make mistakes, every day, every game. "Blame...is a way to discharge pain and discomfort." "It's not me, it's you." 

99 percent won't watch this video. That's okay. Everyone needs to feel valued. Help players be valued by being 'worthy'. Brene' Brown shares that children need to know they are "worthy of love and belonging." It's part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

Imagine your introductory meeting, explaining to the players and families that your goal is 'worthiness'. They'd say, "what's this space cadet saying'? Then you explain worthiness: 

• Caring for and supporting each other on and off the court.
• Preparing to compete by being fully engaged at practice and games.
• Giving high effort even when you don't 'feel like it' at home, at school, on the court. 
• Making others around you better.
• Embracing shared vision, shared sacrifice, shared results.

"You're enough." Give your best. Our best won't be THE best or perfect, but it dampens regret.

Your kid isn't a loser when she doesn't make the team, become a league MVP, or get selected All-Scholastic. Remind ourselves that some people called Dean Smith a loser before he won a National Title. He answered, "I never felt like a loser." 

When I hear that a coach called players worthless or losers, I'm sad, because nobody deserves to have their self-worth erased. It doesn't matter how many championships you've won when you treat others like garbage. 

Star players will always get credit. As a parent, if you feel as though your kid isn't getting enough recognition, ask, "is it about my child or my own insecurity?" 

If shame is fear of disconnection, then help players feel connected. When I've heard of dissatisfaction about my coaching, it hasn't been from the parents of reserve players, but good players not feeling 'enough'. 

Because coaching is about relationships, work to improve communication and connection. Being vulnerable is part of that work.