All coaches, whether they realize it or not, are also psychologists. We teach skills, but we also shape confidence, self-talk, and belief. Our words often become a player’s inner voice — especially in moments of doubt or pressure. Coaching isn’t just about running systems and calling plays. It’s about understanding human nature: how people think, feel, and respond when challenged.
No One Size Fits All
Good coaches know there’s no “one size fits all.” Fair doesn’t mean equal; it means meeting each player where they are. Some players thrive under hard coaching — a demanding tone, a raised standard, an occasional bark that says “you can do better.” Others need reassurance and a quieter conversation after practice.
Young players are often more sensitive to negative messaging. Telling a senior to man up is different than telling a freshman the same thing. The best coaches adjust delivery without lowering standards.
As psychologist Abraham Maslow suggested, safety comes before self-actualization. Players need to feel emotionally safe before they can stretch and grow. Carol Dweck’s work on the growth mindset echoes this — when we frame mistakes as opportunities, we help athletes learn without fear of judgment.
Emotional Intelligence Is a Coaching Skill
The best coaches read the room. Emotional intelligence — self-awareness, empathy, self-regulation, motivation, and social skill — isn’t soft; it’s essential.
The same correction — “Get lower on defense” — can land as either guidance or criticism depending on tone, timing, and the strength of the relationship. The emotionally intelligent coach understands this.
Sometimes the most powerful tool is a pause: take a breath, lower your volume, and make eye contact. Players mirror the coach’s emotional state. How we deliver feedback becomes how they learn self-talk.
The Cost of Wrong Messages
We’ve all heard (or said) words that should never leave a coach’s mouth.
Wrong messages:
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“I’m done with you.”
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“You’re worthless.”
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“You don’t deserve success.”
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“You don’t know because you don’t care.”
"This is how you treat me after all I've done for you."
Each of these attacks identity, not behavior. They close doors instead of opening them. I once heard a world-famous doctor say in front of thirty doctors, “You don’t know because you don’t care.” That line didn’t build a better trainee — it built resentment. Disrespect isn’t teaching; it’s projection.
It’s far better to lose a game than to lose your team.
Delivering Better Messages
A few principles can change the trajectory of both the message and the player:
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Preach Identity: “This is who we are.”
– Reinforces belonging and shared purpose. -
Specify Performance: “This is how we play.”
– Clarifies expectations; reduces confusion. -
Set Standards: “Everyone completes two laps around the soccer pitch in under 1:50.”
– Defines what excellence looks like. -
Speak Greatness: Replace “That was good but…” with “That was good and here’s how to make it better.”
– The conjunction matters. “But” erases praise; “and” builds on it. -
Invite Perspective: “As much as I’d like to, I can’t read minds. How are you feeling about yourself and the team?”
– Opens dialogue; builds trust.
When players feel seen, they become teachable.
Coaching the Coach
Even coaches need coaching. The best ones keep a feedback loop — mentors, peers, or self-reflection after practice. Ask three questions:
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What worked?
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What didn’t?
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Who needed more from me today?
Film sessions aren’t just for players. A coach who reviews their own body language, tone, and timing learns faster than one who relies on memory. The goal isn’t perfection — it’s awareness.
The Psychological Contract
Every team lives under an invisible agreement: I’ll push you, but I’ll also protect you. Break that contract, and you lose trust. Keep it, and players will run through walls for you.
We can’t always control wins and losses, but we can control connection, honesty, and empathy. They sustain excellence.
It’s better to lose a game than to lose your team.
Lagniappe. Learning transfer. Important words from Chris Oliver
No 3-man weave...here's why ⤵️
— Chris Oliver (@BBallImmersion) October 10, 2025
Research shows that perception and decision-making are what transfer most from practice to a game, not just technique repetition. Avoid drills without defenders where players never have to perceive, decide and execute.
A thread 🧵 pic.twitter.com/mhbpmpJ6WL
