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Thursday, September 15, 2022

Shut Down the Doghouse. Understanding and Resolving Conflict

Coaching is a relationship business. To win, coaches rely on skill first. Players make mistakes. So do coaches. Managing hard conversations and feelings is an art. 

Feeling disrespected? Remember Coach Popovich's comments to "get over yourself." 

Here's a screenshot of notes from Esther Perel in relationships


- Who has the power? Who gets to decide? Who is important?
- Who has my back? Can I rely on you? Do you think of me?
- Do you value my presence and opinion? 

Recall the "Big 3" that fuel conflict - minutes, roles, and recognition. The coach has the power but the player (and family) feel the impact, a "velvet glove" or an "iron fist." 

What coaches see isn't the same as what players and family see. If two players are "similar", a coach may value potential over seniority, size and athleticism over age, and so forth. Players see "loss of status." Families  see issues of equity (fairness), status, and ego. 

Think about "inverting" from power, trust, and value, meaning helplessness, isolation, and worthlessness. Reframe it as being thrown down the pyramid of Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs'. 


When conflict arises, choose to fight or listen? Avoid inducing "shame" or helplessness. 

Perel advises we consider, "what is the one thing you wish you never said?"

Remember situations where "high level" conflict arose. As a 'style' I avoid conflict. The one time I refused to budge was about practice time. I was a volunteer and parents paid over $400 a season for gym time, officiating, and league fees. I was told we could have two hours a week. I replied that some teams have more than four times that much. "I can't coach without at least three hours a week." They found a way. 

Conflict is part of our humanity. Return to the dynamic of power, trust, and value. Find ways to collaborate to find common ground, listen, and understand the opposing position. Sometimes we only agree to disagree.

Lagniappe (something extra). Great stuff from Basketball Immersion. 
Lagniappe 2. Space and time... 
























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